You Have to Open the Box, Silly!

I couldn't fall asleep last night until 2am. I decided to squeeze in my 8 hours of beauty sleep by missing my first class, which I rarely do. I think it's a waste of everyone's time, money, and energy to make college a game of how little you can do in order to go places in life.

But alas, desperate times...Anyway, so when I woke up this morning, I quite literally hopped straight out of bed to go pour my cereal and milk. Well, this process did not go as smoothly as planned and milk was spilled all over my "kitchen counter" (i.e. my dresser). Oh poo. Cleaned that mess up (without crying...spilt milk...get it?) and moved my butt out the door.

Little did I know that the rest of my day would make up for this little incident ten-fold. When I returned from class, there was a present hanging on my door knob, contained (as all the best presents are) in a Target bag. I proceeded to open the presents and took pictures documenting my loot: Choxie chocolate and Kashi cereal! I was so excited that I updated my Facebook status, thus:

dear Big: how did you know that Kashi cereal and chocolate-mint Choxie would make my life complete? also, you are a FANTASTIC wrapper. ♥

A few minutes later I decided I wanted some of the aforementioned Kashi cereal. I picked up the box and noted that it was open, but wasn't about to be picky where presents are concerned. When I opened it, I realized that I had been so overjoyed at the thought of Kashi cereal that I never thought for a second that something even better might be inside. In fact, the box did not contain cereal at all (I'm slowly recovering from this disappointment), but a beautiful red pashmina. Needless to say, I laughed out loud at myself for a while.

Fast-forward to Judaism class. Professor Meyers informs Peter and I that the emails about the Israel trip are finally going out today and that we both would be receiving affirmatives. My response was along the lines of: "YESSSSSSSS!!!" I had to stop myself from professing my eternal love and gratitude for Prof. Meyers, but my enthusiasm could not be contained completely. So, I will be spending the second part of Christmas break in Israel (Jerusalem, Galilee, and Tel Aviv).

The lesson today is that you never know when truly amazing things will happen. Things you've been awaiting for a long time and others that you never thought to expect. But one thing is for sure: if you don't try, it won't happen. No matter how difficult or easy it might be, you have to open the box.

I Dare You to Move, Like Today (Never) Happened

According to the wise and generally trusted Dictionary.com, malaise is "a vague or unfocused feeling of mental uneasiness, lethargy, or discomfort." I used this word a few hours ago, but I admittedly had no idea how accurate it was in describing my mood - though, perhaps a bit closer to melancholy. Over the past few days, I haven't really had a satisfying answer for all the concerned inquiries and kind check-ins, but I appreciate them nonetheless. I can only say that I have been feeling a sense of impending doom. You know that feeling you have while reading Hamlet or Macbeth - that just around the corner is catastrophe (or another one)? Not to say that the life of a college student is equivalent to that of a vengeful prince of Denmark or a murderous Scottish general, but you get the idea.

Well, the next few weeks are full of large-scale things that I have to get done...that is, not just worksheets and reading. I have papers for both Gender Psych and Child Clinical Psych, as well as several essays for the application for the DukeEngage summer program in Northern Ireland. I don't know about you, but I can't generally "schedule" how long it will take me to write something or when the inspiration will come. And I haven't really been inspired.

After a weekend filled with Chapel Choir rehearsals/retreat and an extended chapter meeting for ADPi, I was feeling antsy even though nothing is due for at least a few days. But I decided that it's best to keep things in perspective, so I told Julia (who lives across the hall - quite literally 2 steps) that I was going to swim in hopes of feeling like "less of a weirdo," I believe is how I put it. Out of joint, I think they say.

Every time I get back in the water, I am so glad I made the effort. In the water, I feel alive, strong, and purposeful. There's something ethereal about creating your own rhythm, moving only for yourself, driven only by yourself. I resent the countless hours I've spent pushing myself on a machine, staring at other gym-goers' backsides. But in the water, though I count my laps, time doesn't move so slowly. Actually, time isn't really there with me in the water at all. I can focus on any number of things for a few minutes, but I can also let those same thoughts flow into my strokes. Rumination is not compatible with water. There's too much movement, too much freedom to dwell or stay stuck on something. Just keep moving. Just keep swimming...

Haha. Doesn't all wisdom circle back around to Finding Nemo?

There is this thing that we all seek - contentment is the word some would choose. I think it's peace. Peace doesn't have to be passive and, in fact, anyone who has sought it long enough knows it's not exactly easy to come by. When you think of silence or stillness, maybe you think of passivity. But if you have ever taken a yoga class or studied meditation, do you really just sit there with a blank mind? Is it really that simple - a static state of nothing? No, you're constantly pressing away the distractions, the interruptions, even the pain that threatens this highly-desired state: peace.

In looking for a quote to end with, I came across a range of wise to slightly corny ones. Two deeply resonated with me. The first is in Isaiah 23 of the Old Testament: "You keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." The second, which reinforces the essence of the previous verse, is connected to the Alcoholics Anonymous program's history (though its authorship in unknown). I leave you with this. "Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm."

No Place Like Home...

This evening I was trying to find a vacant TV in any common room on West Campus, driven by my Grey's Anatomy addiction (as if I need more drama in my life). Seven common rooms and one rodent-of-unusual-size later, I called Carol. Distraught at having missed 15 minutes of the show I usually have to watch online (because of Ballet Rep rehearsal), I didn't know where else to turn.

Thankfully, both Carol and the second-floor Few common room helped me in my time of need. But honestly, the ROUS was way more exciting in the end...

So, I write this entry from Carol's pink Vaio, sitting on her comfy high-rise bed. It's nice to have another place besides my own room where I feel at home. In fact, Duke itself is beginning to feel like my home. I knew I would have to give the adjustment some time. Yet not a day goes by that I am not overwhelmed with the feeling that my path has been truly blessed. Three years ago, I wouldn't have believed it if you had told me I would transfer. To Duke, no less. (Actually, even at the end of last semester I wouldn't have considered the possibility.)

There is this amazing invention at schools in North Carolina and other places too, I suppose, called FALL BREAK. During this luxurious 4-day weekend, I flew up to Boston, where I spent time with the people I miss most from my past 2 years. The gracious hosts of 96 Powderhouse accepted me and my mess in their living room for the entirety of my trip - THANK YOU! Yes, I went to Snappy Sushi - an experience which is fully detailed in pictures throughout this post. Nothing extravagant - just spending time with people, which is by far my favorite extra-curricular activity. Not only did I get to see my friends at Tufts, but I also was lucky enough to catch a few friends from my job at Wediko this past summer. I ate lovely Greek/diner food at Zoe's with Bing, where we reminisced over the ultimate highs and lows of summer. The next night I found myself

in the very same restaurant, being a bit off-track with Dee and Ronee. Ronee almost murdered a crying child with her eyes, while Dee commented, "Well, this is an appropriate reunion for us!" Oh, the wisdom of Dee. (Also discussed was the ridiculousness of keeping the sticker AND the tag on a baseball cap...Ronee...) My time in Boston felt short and I know there are friends I was not able to visit - I am sorry, friends!

But on the flight home, I realized that there was no anxiety, no dread, in fact no reluctance at all to return to Crowell on the West Campus of Duke. I used to loathe flights from Los Angeles to Boston, but I anticipate the LAX-RDU trip won't be the same. And that's a really great feeling.

Ok, UPDATE.

If you are wondering where I'll be in 2 years - I can finally tell you! The plan is to apply to the DukeEngage program in Northern Ireland, be accepted, work in either a Trauma or Women's Center in West Belfast, and then go back there after graduation. If you are one of the people who heard of the former Lindsay-in-Australia plan, well, that's been postponed. For now!

(More to come on Northern Ireland...the info session was inspiring.)

Other than that, I am still dancing, going to Cru Bible Study, swimming, singing in Chapel Choir, and loving my classes!

On the horizon: North Carolina State Fair on Saturday! WOOHOO!