Practicing Confidence

During the past week, we had an amazing dance company in residency at Duke, called Urban Bush Women. If you ever have the chance to see them perform, I highly recommend it. What was even more incredible than the performance on Thursday night, was attending an hour-long discussion with the founder and artistic director Jawole Willa Jo Zollar. After telling us about her own story and the emergence of this company, she then posed us with a challenge. Actually, an opportunity - to tell our own stories. To create a short rhyme/rap/poem that affirms our unique identity - to confidently claim ourselves. Now, I don't know if anyone has ever asked you to sum up who you are on paper, but it was quite daunting at first.

I sat for several minutes, unsure of exactly where to begin. But once I stopped searching for the right adjectives and labels, I was able to compose a piece of something that exemplifies a lot of what makes me me. Jawole reminded us that confidence does not come naturally, but rather it must be practiced. She gave us the chance to begin rehearsing. This is a declaration, an identification with the self that is always there, but seldom voiced.

Always on the go,

my mama said,

keep right on moving,

until I crash in bed.

What she said back then,

it still is right,

try and do everything,

'til I stop at night.

A mover, a shaker,

always got big plans,

Dreaming, doing, can't stand

when something is out of my hands.

I love my friends,

more than anything,

Drop it all anytime,

Give them everything.

I've got a lot to try,

Even more to be,

Can't stop me now,
Because this is me.

The Road Not Taken

((An Afternoon in the Duke Gardens))

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveller, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference."

~Robert Frost

You Have to Open the Box, Silly!

I couldn't fall asleep last night until 2am. I decided to squeeze in my 8 hours of beauty sleep by missing my first class, which I rarely do. I think it's a waste of everyone's time, money, and energy to make college a game of how little you can do in order to go places in life.

But alas, desperate times...Anyway, so when I woke up this morning, I quite literally hopped straight out of bed to go pour my cereal and milk. Well, this process did not go as smoothly as planned and milk was spilled all over my "kitchen counter" (i.e. my dresser). Oh poo. Cleaned that mess up (without crying...spilt milk...get it?) and moved my butt out the door.

Little did I know that the rest of my day would make up for this little incident ten-fold. When I returned from class, there was a present hanging on my door knob, contained (as all the best presents are) in a Target bag. I proceeded to open the presents and took pictures documenting my loot: Choxie chocolate and Kashi cereal! I was so excited that I updated my Facebook status, thus:

dear Big: how did you know that Kashi cereal and chocolate-mint Choxie would make my life complete? also, you are a FANTASTIC wrapper. ♥

A few minutes later I decided I wanted some of the aforementioned Kashi cereal. I picked up the box and noted that it was open, but wasn't about to be picky where presents are concerned. When I opened it, I realized that I had been so overjoyed at the thought of Kashi cereal that I never thought for a second that something even better might be inside. In fact, the box did not contain cereal at all (I'm slowly recovering from this disappointment), but a beautiful red pashmina. Needless to say, I laughed out loud at myself for a while.

Fast-forward to Judaism class. Professor Meyers informs Peter and I that the emails about the Israel trip are finally going out today and that we both would be receiving affirmatives. My response was along the lines of: "YESSSSSSSS!!!" I had to stop myself from professing my eternal love and gratitude for Prof. Meyers, but my enthusiasm could not be contained completely. So, I will be spending the second part of Christmas break in Israel (Jerusalem, Galilee, and Tel Aviv).

The lesson today is that you never know when truly amazing things will happen. Things you've been awaiting for a long time and others that you never thought to expect. But one thing is for sure: if you don't try, it won't happen. No matter how difficult or easy it might be, you have to open the box.

I Dare You to Move, Like Today (Never) Happened

According to the wise and generally trusted Dictionary.com, malaise is "a vague or unfocused feeling of mental uneasiness, lethargy, or discomfort." I used this word a few hours ago, but I admittedly had no idea how accurate it was in describing my mood - though, perhaps a bit closer to melancholy. Over the past few days, I haven't really had a satisfying answer for all the concerned inquiries and kind check-ins, but I appreciate them nonetheless. I can only say that I have been feeling a sense of impending doom. You know that feeling you have while reading Hamlet or Macbeth - that just around the corner is catastrophe (or another one)? Not to say that the life of a college student is equivalent to that of a vengeful prince of Denmark or a murderous Scottish general, but you get the idea.

Well, the next few weeks are full of large-scale things that I have to get done...that is, not just worksheets and reading. I have papers for both Gender Psych and Child Clinical Psych, as well as several essays for the application for the DukeEngage summer program in Northern Ireland. I don't know about you, but I can't generally "schedule" how long it will take me to write something or when the inspiration will come. And I haven't really been inspired.

After a weekend filled with Chapel Choir rehearsals/retreat and an extended chapter meeting for ADPi, I was feeling antsy even though nothing is due for at least a few days. But I decided that it's best to keep things in perspective, so I told Julia (who lives across the hall - quite literally 2 steps) that I was going to swim in hopes of feeling like "less of a weirdo," I believe is how I put it. Out of joint, I think they say.

Every time I get back in the water, I am so glad I made the effort. In the water, I feel alive, strong, and purposeful. There's something ethereal about creating your own rhythm, moving only for yourself, driven only by yourself. I resent the countless hours I've spent pushing myself on a machine, staring at other gym-goers' backsides. But in the water, though I count my laps, time doesn't move so slowly. Actually, time isn't really there with me in the water at all. I can focus on any number of things for a few minutes, but I can also let those same thoughts flow into my strokes. Rumination is not compatible with water. There's too much movement, too much freedom to dwell or stay stuck on something. Just keep moving. Just keep swimming...

Haha. Doesn't all wisdom circle back around to Finding Nemo?

There is this thing that we all seek - contentment is the word some would choose. I think it's peace. Peace doesn't have to be passive and, in fact, anyone who has sought it long enough knows it's not exactly easy to come by. When you think of silence or stillness, maybe you think of passivity. But if you have ever taken a yoga class or studied meditation, do you really just sit there with a blank mind? Is it really that simple - a static state of nothing? No, you're constantly pressing away the distractions, the interruptions, even the pain that threatens this highly-desired state: peace.

In looking for a quote to end with, I came across a range of wise to slightly corny ones. Two deeply resonated with me. The first is in Isaiah 23 of the Old Testament: "You keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." The second, which reinforces the essence of the previous verse, is connected to the Alcoholics Anonymous program's history (though its authorship in unknown). I leave you with this. "Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm."

No Place Like Home...

This evening I was trying to find a vacant TV in any common room on West Campus, driven by my Grey's Anatomy addiction (as if I need more drama in my life). Seven common rooms and one rodent-of-unusual-size later, I called Carol. Distraught at having missed 15 minutes of the show I usually have to watch online (because of Ballet Rep rehearsal), I didn't know where else to turn.

Thankfully, both Carol and the second-floor Few common room helped me in my time of need. But honestly, the ROUS was way more exciting in the end...

So, I write this entry from Carol's pink Vaio, sitting on her comfy high-rise bed. It's nice to have another place besides my own room where I feel at home. In fact, Duke itself is beginning to feel like my home. I knew I would have to give the adjustment some time. Yet not a day goes by that I am not overwhelmed with the feeling that my path has been truly blessed. Three years ago, I wouldn't have believed it if you had told me I would transfer. To Duke, no less. (Actually, even at the end of last semester I wouldn't have considered the possibility.)

There is this amazing invention at schools in North Carolina and other places too, I suppose, called FALL BREAK. During this luxurious 4-day weekend, I flew up to Boston, where I spent time with the people I miss most from my past 2 years. The gracious hosts of 96 Powderhouse accepted me and my mess in their living room for the entirety of my trip - THANK YOU! Yes, I went to Snappy Sushi - an experience which is fully detailed in pictures throughout this post. Nothing extravagant - just spending time with people, which is by far my favorite extra-curricular activity. Not only did I get to see my friends at Tufts, but I also was lucky enough to catch a few friends from my job at Wediko this past summer. I ate lovely Greek/diner food at Zoe's with Bing, where we reminisced over the ultimate highs and lows of summer. The next night I found myself

in the very same restaurant, being a bit off-track with Dee and Ronee. Ronee almost murdered a crying child with her eyes, while Dee commented, "Well, this is an appropriate reunion for us!" Oh, the wisdom of Dee. (Also discussed was the ridiculousness of keeping the sticker AND the tag on a baseball cap...Ronee...) My time in Boston felt short and I know there are friends I was not able to visit - I am sorry, friends!

But on the flight home, I realized that there was no anxiety, no dread, in fact no reluctance at all to return to Crowell on the West Campus of Duke. I used to loathe flights from Los Angeles to Boston, but I anticipate the LAX-RDU trip won't be the same. And that's a really great feeling.

Ok, UPDATE.

If you are wondering where I'll be in 2 years - I can finally tell you! The plan is to apply to the DukeEngage program in Northern Ireland, be accepted, work in either a Trauma or Women's Center in West Belfast, and then go back there after graduation. If you are one of the people who heard of the former Lindsay-in-Australia plan, well, that's been postponed. For now!

(More to come on Northern Ireland...the info session was inspiring.)

Other than that, I am still dancing, going to Cru Bible Study, swimming, singing in Chapel Choir, and loving my classes!

On the horizon: North Carolina State Fair on Saturday! WOOHOO!

In Full Swing

Oh my - I have already not held up my end of the bargain! Two weeks since I last posted, but my blog negligence definitely isn't from lack of things to write about...I've just been busy to doing them! Let's see...

I attended my first Duke sporting event, a football game against Richmond. We lost, which is NOT the point, but just seeing how many people (students and other Blue Devil enthusiasts) showed up! My friend who was here a few years ago said that the stadium was almost never more than a 1/4 full and it was PACKED, as you can see.

My days are in full swing here and though I have not come upon that dreaded period (which some students are already complaining about) called MIDTERMS, I am definitely busy. Besides taking a couple ballet technique classes a week, I am also rehearsing for Ballet Repertory T/Th evenings. I LOVE being on pointe again - even though my feetsies and my wallet (2 pairs of pointe shoes = $160) do necessarily feel the same way. It's a small group - 11 ladies including myself - and we generally have a fun time, while sweating profusely. I tried a double pirouette on pointe yesterday for the first time in, oh, FIVE years and I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't land on my butt. On Wednesday evening and Sunday morning, I have Chapel Choir rehearsal, which is a challenge because I am an Alto 2 for the first time in my life. *Nota bene: sight-singing is exponentially more difficult when you do not have the melody and sometimes sing so low that only whales could hear.

I went on a retreat with Campus Crusade (Cru) this past weekend and everyone (especially the junior ladies) was welcoming and awesome. Luckily, I can make the junior women's small group on Mondays - we met this week and the 5 or 6 other juniors in it are great. I am REALLY excited for that and think it will be a good support and outlet for questions I haven't had a chance to voice in a while.

On the horizon:

1) I am going through COR (Continuous Open Recruitment) this week for a sorority on campus, which is intended for upperclassmen who don't want to go through the intensity of formal rush in the spring. That's me! More to come on that.

2) I am applying for a study trip to Israel for the last 2 weeks of winter break. It is run by the Professor Carol Meyers and Professor Eric Meyers (yes, they are married), who are two of the most brilliant and interesting people I've met thus far...I have them for my Old Testament/Hebrew Bible and Intro to Judaism classes, respectively.

And lastly, as most of you know, I got a haircut. And I continue to be caught in the dilemma of curly vs. straight hair =)

Until next time...LOVE!

A Niche in a New Habitat

Welcome to the virutal/photographic tour of my room ~ ENJOY!

full view of the warm abode:

as we turn to the right, we see the beautiful fridge and more decorations:
















and here are my highly-organized shelves, a mysterious door, and my closet:















artsy reflection shot:




















the most awesome jewelry-organizer ever (thanks, Mama!):




















a few more beautiful sights in/from my room...THANK YOU for visiting!

The Things We Left Behind...

I just assembled my new digital camera, so I will post pictures of my room and Duke very soon. Don't worry, friends! To give you a sneak peek, this is a photograph that is hung in my room, which has a story (well, actually two) behind it.

The studio where I danced through middle school and highschool had this photograph hanging in the bathroom/changing room. Thus, my first memories of this Harvey Edwards print were intertwined with the rush of changing into black leotards, pink tights, and a colored waistband (which indicated your Level). But it's also reminiscent of the countless hours I spent in the small square-footage of that studio, learning, rehearsing and practicing for the cherished Christmastime classic, the Nutcracker. So when a framed enlargement of this picture materialized in the dance studio at the program where I worked this summer, I was no less than ecstatic. Yes, my enthusiasm may have elicited a confused look from my co-teacher - his brow quizzical for only moments before attributing it to my inherent idiosyncratic ways. Nonetheless, my excitement lasted for hours.

When I found this print at the poster sale outside the Bryant Center (the student center), it reminded me that things are not lost forever, or really ever lost at all. And no, I am not talking about the literal object of the photograph anymore. There are so many things in my life that I have considered "lost" during the past 3 years or so. Now that I am here, I see that there really is a chance to find them again. And I am trying to fearlessly take those chances, those opportunities and run with them before somebody tries to stop me...or more importantly, before I get in my own way.

I have told so many of you how incredibly happy I am here and this pure joy has been hard for me to accurately describe. It stems not from a grandeur of deluxe services here at Duke (though those do exist) or from a posse of sorority sisters (haha...not really!), but being in a place where people love life, hate the Tar Heels, and are really amazing (but still NICE) people. I know it's still unsatisfactory, but that's the best I got. Why don't you just come see for yourselves? I've got a cozy spot on my rug for you...

I'm discovering that I actually can be the person I want to be and I can do the things that I kept telling myself I couldn't. Made it this far, didn't I?

Like last night, for example. I showed up to the audition for a Ballet Repertory class 30 minutes early and while I was busy taping up blisters that had violently ripped open during an African dance class, I overheard the girls next to me: "I think this is on pointe, right?"

Uhhhhhhh, WHAT?? Let's review: Lindsay stopped doing pointe after sophomore year in highschool. She took a weekly beginning pointe class for fun at Jose Mateo's during freshman year in college. But really it's been about FOUR years since she has considered herself "on pointe." Ok, end of review. I briefly considered fleeing the scene, but after that gut response was expressed I decided to stay. I did the audition...and pretty freaking well, all things (including my blisters) considered.

And I got in. Which I am (to reuse a word from earlier in this post) ecstatic about. All this to say, most things are never truly lost. Who I was as at 3, 12, 16 and even 19 can still be a part of me - if I choose that.

Isn't it invaluable to be able to hold onto the best (and sometimes worst) parts of our 3-year-old selves?

(The title of this post if a chapter heading from Barbara Kingsolver's The Poisonwood Bible. I highly recommend reading it.)

Not Your Mama's Life

As if I weren't impressed already by the sheer beauty of Duke's gothic buildings, the rapidity with which I have fallen in love with this school, and the fact that I got all the classes I wanted...as if all that weren't enough to convince me that I am in the right place, I sat about 50 ft away from Maya Angelou today as she gave a welcome speech to the new Duke students. So now I actually know Duke is the place for me. Maya told me so.

This woman is a phenomenal presence when she speaks. On top of her many other talents, which I neglect to enumerate here only due to lack of space, she has the power to captivate an audience with her humor, grace, and (I must mention it) absolutely no notes. Her address to the Duke Class of 2013 (though more importantly to the select group of Duke transfer students) was not boring in any sense of the word, but full of a straight-forward humor that had the entire chapel laughing. Her manner of delivery was not condescending in the least, though the wisdom she imparted obviously has been gained from a lifetime full of great struggles and successes. She could easily have said, "Well, if you work hard enough, maybe someday you will have 1/8 of my fame and fortune." But alas, she said nothing of the sort. She reminded us, "This is your life...not your mama's, not your papa's, not you boyfriend's or your girlfriend's. It's yours." And that with our lives we have the responsibility to actually do something - starting now. We didn't just come to Duke for that piece of paper to be placed into our hands 4 (or 2) years later...or to find our husband/wife. And then she proceeded to quote Thomas Mann - except when I searched for this quote, the most similar one is from Horace Mann. Oh well...this one is an excellent quotation anyway.

"Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity."

I am so ready to be a part of something bigger - to use what I learned this summer and my passions to make a difference. I have felt unmotivated for so long and I feel recharged. Finally. It's been a long time coming.

I'll wrap this up with a point that Maya (yes, we're on a first-name basis) made at the beginning of her speech: Courage is the most important virtue because without it one cannot consistently practice all of the other virtues. I'm working on having courage. Getting there though.